How feeling your feelings builds resilience
Difficult emotions feel, well… difficult. Anger, sadness, grief, resentment, jealousy — none of these are enjoyable things to feel. So it’s no wonder we try to build a wall between ourselves and these feelings. Perhaps you block them out by staying busy, or scroll social media to stay numb, or convince yourself that everything’s fine even when it’s not.
But did you know that feeling all your feelings (yep, even the icky ones!) actually helps to build resilience? Although negative emotions can make you feel weak in the moment — like you could collapse in a puddle of tears, or that you don’t want to get out of bed — if you allow yourself the space to actually feel them, then they will pass quicker and you’ll grow as a person. You’ll become stronger and hardier, and build self-trust. You’ll know that life can get hard sometimes, but that you have the strength to keep going.
So, how can you allow yourself to actually feel it all? Especially if you have a long history of avoiding negative feelings? Here are some tips.
Open your journal, or get a blank piece of paper. Write ‘I am…’ and then name your feelings. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am tired.
This practice might sound absurdly simple, but it’s an important first step. Neuroscience shows it helps your brain begin to process your emotions. It’s hard to move through a challenge without first acknowledging that you’re experiencing it. Naming your emotions preps your brain for what’s to come, and makes the emotions feel a little less scary.
If you feel angry, thrash a pillow or scream at the ocean. If you feel sad, set aside some time to wallow — perhaps allow yourself a day under the covers. Whatever you feel, think of some ways you can surrender to the emotions without hurting yourself or others. The key is to put a time limit on how long you can completely surrender to your feelings, before you need to rejoin the world.
This doesn’t guarantee that you’ll move through your feelings in the agreed amount of time — emotions don’t work like that — but it creates some guardrails for you to oscillate between feeling your feelings and going about daily life. It means you’re no longer suppressing your true feelings all of the time — just some of the time.
Reflect on how you feel after you’ve leaned into a challenging emotion. You might be surprised to notice that you feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted. Or you might feel wrung out and empty — but perhaps that’s better than feeling like you’ve been holding in a secret? Perhaps you feel a bit uncomfortable, like you wish you hadn’t felt that way. It’s all okay — there are no rules to how you should feel. The important part is paying attention and reflecting, so you can learn more about yourself for next time.
The more you feel your feelings, the more tools and strategies you’ll develop to process challenging emotions. That’s resilience in action. It’s not easy or comfortable, but it’ll make you stronger.