Why ‘how are you’ matters more than you think
We hear it all the time: ‘How are you?’ Often, the question breezes by — polite small talk, nothing more. But occasionally someone lingers on this line of thought. Pauses, and looks you in the eye: ‘But how are you really?’
That tiny pause can make a big difference. The art of the check-in lies in slowing down, being present, and listening with care and curiosity. It’s about being open to receiving how other people are doing, without judging them, or rushing to offer solutions.
Of course, in today’s busy world, mastering the art of the check-in is easier said than done. We’re all busy and we don’t always have time for a deep and meaningful conversation. But when the moment calls for one — maybe you sense someone is struggling and could use extra care — here are some tips to make your check-ins count.
Instead of the autopilot ‘How are you?’ try: ‘What’s been on your mind lately?’ or ‘What’s been the best part of your week so far?’ These help people move beyond the small talk comfort zone.
Your job isn’t to solve anything, it’s to hold space and give the other person an opportunity to verbally process how they’re doing. Often that practice — talking through thoughts and feelings out loud — is enough for the other person to start feeling better.
A pause, a shift in tone, or a long sigh may reveal more than words. Gently invite sharing: “Do you want to talk more about that?”
You don’t need to go deep every time. Regular, thoughtful gestures — texts, short chats, small notes of care — signal reliability and trust.
Put away distractions, make eye contact, and let the person feel your attention. Sometimes that alone is what matters most.
You might feel like these little conversations don’t amount to much, but research shows they do. Small, genuine check-ins help people feel seen, valued, and less alone.